Professional Farmer 2014 Review


Nothing came out this week. Us poor folk trying to be game reviewers on a budget are still waiting on our moms to buy us our choice of next-gen console, so all of that fancy Assassin’s Creed/Killzone/Killer Instinct remake shininess is out of reach until Christmas, and no one wants to compete against a launch line up. That means, for us, nothing came out this week.

"Killzone: Shadow Fall","Guerrilla Games"

This is the review of a man whose parents love him:


So I decided to play something completely different. Thus is the folly of a man in search of humor.


Abandon all hope ye who enter here.


I thought simulators were supposed to enable you to do cool things, like fly planes. I mean, I’ve never been one for the simulator crowd, but I could understand that learning to manipulate something that is essentially balancing on wind thousands of feet in the air might be something that requires a safe practice space. However, after Train Simulator and its ilk, I’m really confused as to why people need a means of having someone else’s job. This confusion would only be compounded on my journey through Professional Farmer 2014.


Seriously, is that tractor about to eat that cow?


At its core, Professional Farmer 2014 is about riding a tractor on some dirt. Eventually, some plants happen because of how you drove on the dirt and with what machines you drove on the dirt, but if I had to sum up all of the game’s content: then I just did. This game is like GTA V if someone modded out all of the guns, people, and city, but left the cars and roads in order to drive carefully and legally around some trees. This game is like Tetris if all of the blocks were the same shape and they never disappeared or built to a game over.




Never before have I played a game that is unplayable based on content alone. I thought I was going to have fun building up my farm, much like in Harvest Moon, but very quickly it dawned on me that I was doing someone’s job but without the payoffs, such as growing food, getting exercise, going outside, or feeling useful to society. I mean, just look at this gameplay footage. All you do is drive a tractor, and if you really wanted to do that you could go buy an actual tractor, or become an actual farmer. Plus, if you were a real farmer you could raise more than three kinds of animals that you could actually interact with as opposed to them silently existing in the background, staring at you as you pretend to do someone else’s job.


I thought the cows were quest-givers, but it turns out the dialogue was just the result of sensory deprivation.


Another big difference between this and other farming games (oh man, is that officially a genre now?) is the complete lack of story. Harvest Moon at least had things going on around town other than being on a farm. There are interactions and events, and women to marry. Even Farmville is at least catchy and cutesy with the ability to customize your property. Pro Farm 2014, comparably, has no story, only a farm. There’s also a tutorial which serves to either teach you about farming or warn you that you’re not about to have any fun.


This game is for people who don’t find this parking lot eerily abandoned.


Besides the awful concept, this game also looks bad. The graphics are blocky at their best, like a slightly newer Half-Life 2, but that’s fine since there’s not much to look at. A special awfulness award goes to the menu screen, which is full of loud beeping noises and looks like it was designed by the same guys who make porn flash games.


And I hope you like this picture because you’ll be staring at it during the solid 90 seconds of load time.


And am I the only one who’s bothered by the fact that this game is actually representing someone’s difficult and tireless job? Seriously, farmers work in one of the most thankless careers in history for extremely low profit so that people can eat. It’s a noble profession, and turning that into someone’s hobby feels almost insulting. It feels like rich kids trying to rap about growing up on The Streetz.

I have no idea who is the target audience for Professional Farmer 2014. Maybe it’s for people who love farming but never had the courage to become a farmer, or people who love repetition and work but hate getting anything out of it.

Basically, I don’t know this game’s target audience because the game itself offers nothing fun nor interesting. It’s fully playable and I didn’t encounter any glitches, but the same has been said about toilets without them drawing too much attention. The game advertises to “hobby farmers,” so if you’re out there reading this, please feel free to explain the appeal of this game in the comments section below. To everyone else: screw it. Try this game just to see how long you can play it.